Assignment #1: Wordiness & Word Economy
Directions: "This is a two-part assignment. First, write a half-page description of an event that took place in the past week. Add lots of wordiness to the first draft. Next, rewrite your description, eliminating unnecessary words or phrases. How much shorter did the piece become?"
Assignment, draft #1:
"Ok, I really can’t think of much of anything specifically that has happened over the past week because I’ve been really, extremely busy and yet I haven’t done any one single thing that has any worth at all to make it interesting enough to write about! But nevertheless I must write about something, and so I am going to do my best to make an attempt at writing something that won’t completely bore you to a total and miserable death. Here it all goes:
Once upon a long time ago, in a galaxy that wasn’t too far away, there was a beautifully gorgeous princess, and a cute little jester. Now one late evening, the two were sitting down in front of a mechanical computer. They sat there because they were excited; really, very excited! As the mouse clicked and moved the flashing screens from one picture image and set of words to the next picture image and set of words, they leaned in closer and closer and closer to the screen till they were merely inches away from touching it. And, soon they finally made it to their destination. A website with the exact directions of www.mmhmm.com. Their overjoyed excitedness was too much to bear! As they heard the computer playing a music group called Relient K, they started bursting out with a lot of laughter. And soon, because they were so thoroughly entertained by the musical bliss, the jester fell off her chair seat and started repeatedly rolling on the laughing floor because she was overwhelmed with the hilarity of the present situation! Finally, the ruckus, or music if you would rather prefer to name it that way, ceased to be, and the jester got up.
Seem too unbelievably unbelievable to be true? It really isn’t. I really was there. I am the princess…and my sister is the jester. So you still really don’t believe me? Well, that’s just really too bad then, isn’t it? It’s all your loss…"
Assingment, draft #2:
"I can’t think of anything specifically that has happened over the past week. I’ve been really busy, yet I haven’t done anything that would be interesting enough to write about. But, nevertheless, I must write about something, so I am going to make an attempt at writing something that won’t bore you to death. Here goes:
Once upon a time, in a galaxy that wasn’t far away, there was a gorgeous princess, and a cute little jester. One late evening, the two were sitting in front of a computer. They sat there because they were excited; very excited! As the screens from flashed from one image to the next, they leaned in closer and closer till they were merely inches away from touching it. Finally they made it to their destination: A website with the directions of www.mmhmm.com. Their excitement was too much to bear! As they heard the computer playing music from a group called Relient K, they started bursting out with laughter. And soon, because they were entertained by the musical bliss, the jester fell off her chair and started repeatedly rolling on the laughing floor, for she was overwhelmed with the hilarity of the situation! Finally the music ceased to be, and the jester got up.
Seem too unbelievable to be true? It isn’t! I was there, for I am the princess…and my sister is the jester. You still don’t believe me? That’s just too bad then, isn’t it? It’s all your loss…"
Assignment, draft #1:
"Ok, I really can’t think of much of anything specifically that has happened over the past week because I’ve been really, extremely busy and yet I haven’t done any one single thing that has any worth at all to make it interesting enough to write about! But nevertheless I must write about something, and so I am going to do my best to make an attempt at writing something that won’t completely bore you to a total and miserable death. Here it all goes:
Once upon a long time ago, in a galaxy that wasn’t too far away, there was a beautifully gorgeous princess, and a cute little jester. Now one late evening, the two were sitting down in front of a mechanical computer. They sat there because they were excited; really, very excited! As the mouse clicked and moved the flashing screens from one picture image and set of words to the next picture image and set of words, they leaned in closer and closer and closer to the screen till they were merely inches away from touching it. And, soon they finally made it to their destination. A website with the exact directions of www.mmhmm.com. Their overjoyed excitedness was too much to bear! As they heard the computer playing a music group called Relient K, they started bursting out with a lot of laughter. And soon, because they were so thoroughly entertained by the musical bliss, the jester fell off her chair seat and started repeatedly rolling on the laughing floor because she was overwhelmed with the hilarity of the present situation! Finally, the ruckus, or music if you would rather prefer to name it that way, ceased to be, and the jester got up.
Seem too unbelievably unbelievable to be true? It really isn’t. I really was there. I am the princess…and my sister is the jester. So you still really don’t believe me? Well, that’s just really too bad then, isn’t it? It’s all your loss…"
Assingment, draft #2:
"I can’t think of anything specifically that has happened over the past week. I’ve been really busy, yet I haven’t done anything that would be interesting enough to write about. But, nevertheless, I must write about something, so I am going to make an attempt at writing something that won’t bore you to death. Here goes:
Once upon a time, in a galaxy that wasn’t far away, there was a gorgeous princess, and a cute little jester. One late evening, the two were sitting in front of a computer. They sat there because they were excited; very excited! As the screens from flashed from one image to the next, they leaned in closer and closer till they were merely inches away from touching it. Finally they made it to their destination: A website with the directions of www.mmhmm.com. Their excitement was too much to bear! As they heard the computer playing music from a group called Relient K, they started bursting out with laughter. And soon, because they were entertained by the musical bliss, the jester fell off her chair and started repeatedly rolling on the laughing floor, for she was overwhelmed with the hilarity of the situation! Finally the music ceased to be, and the jester got up.
Seem too unbelievable to be true? It isn’t! I was there, for I am the princess…and my sister is the jester. You still don’t believe me? That’s just too bad then, isn’t it? It’s all your loss…"
posted by FadingFlower at 2:52 PM
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